Artist: Amazing Transparent Man

Album: Print Is Dead

Label: Double Zero Records

Tracks: 11

Length: 39:20

Review by: Phil Nichols

 

[Lights fade on]

 

Ryan Seacrest: Hello everybody and welcome to another episode of auditions for Fox’s hit spin-off series, American Idol: Band Edition. I’m Ryan Seacrest, your well-groomed, yet rugged host. I also have my own show that airs on Fox every-

 

Producer: Seacrest! You pompous boob. If you plug your stupid show one more time…

 

Ryan Seacrest: (Nervous laughter) Uh, so anyway, this week we’re coming at you live from De Kalb, Illinois- America’s epicenter of rock. The crowds have been piling in for thier chance to become American Idols. So let’s go meet some of the bands.

 

[Seacrest approaches Jordan Purcell, a scrawny boy dressed in women’s jeans, a band shirt, and possibly a discreet coat of make-up]

 

Ryan Seacrest: Hi there.

 

Jordan Purcell: Uh, hi.

 

Ryan Seacrest: So, what is your name and what band do you play in?

 

Jordan Purcell: Uh, I’m Jordan and I’m like in this band called The Crimson Youth Cries Tears of Autumn.

 

Ryan Seacrest: And what kind of music do you guys play?

 

Jordan Purcell: Well, Ryan, I don’t really like to try and put a label on our music. We draw from so many influences that labeling ourselves would cripple us artistically. We just play what comes naturally and let the songs dictate where they should go.

 

Ryan Seacrest: So you’re an emo band?

 

Jordan Purcell: Yeah, basically.

 

Ryan Seacrest: Alright. And you guys have a new album coming out soon, right?

 

Jordan Purcell: Yeah, our debut album, The Sun Hides Behind Dark Clouds That Pour Down Rain Like Bitter Tears Upon My Wounded Soul, will be in stores next month. We’re pretty optimistic. But that could just be the anti-depressants working overtime.

 

Ryan Seacrest: Well, that’s great. If you guys ever feel the need to become washed up corporate sellouts-just let me know and I’ll have you as guest on my show, which airs on Fox every-

 

Producer: Seacrest!

 

Ryan Seacrest: Sorry, sir.

 

[Awkward Silence]

 

Ryan Seacrest: So anyway, our next band is native to the De Kalb area. Their name [dramatic pause] is Amazing Transparent Man, and they have just released their fifth full-length album, Print Is Dead. Roll the clip, Tony.

 

Cameraman: My name is Keith.

 

Ryan Seacrest: Whatever.

 

[Clip starts playing]

 

[Inspirational Music begins]

 

Narrator: Amazing Transparent Man is a band from the heartland of America. They are a band tied together with the tight bonds of friendship and brotherhood. They realize how depressed most kids are-so they try and comfort our youth with humorous lyrics and onstage antics. They have set out to make quality albums and to write pop-punk songs from the heart.

 

[Inspirational music ends]

 

Narrator: But it hasn’t always been that way…

 

[Depressing music begins]

 

Narrator: The band’s previous releases revealed Amazing Transparent Man to be energetic and fun, but lacking in musical competence. They seemed to be deficient in the musical ability to prove themselves to be a tight unit. Their guitars and drums often didn’t fit together, and their vocals were frequently off-key.

 

[Depressing music ends]

 

Narrator: But now, with the release of Print Is Dead, that has all changed. Amazing Transparent Man has finally put out a record in which the guitars, drums, and vocals sound okay together. But only time will tell how the record is received.

 

[Clip ends]

 

Ryan Seacrest: So there you have it. Now let’s see what our judges had to say about the band’s audition.

 

Randy Jackson: You know what, dog? I’ve been diggin’ me some pop-punk recently. I’ve been all down on the three chord riffage, yo. I felt Amazing Transparent Man. I felt da’ vibe of their songs, dog.

 

Producer: Randy, you are bound by contract to include three ‘dogs’ in each of your responses. That was only two, you incompetent manbeast!

 

Randy Jackson: (hangs head) I’m sorry sir…er…dog.

 

Producer: Don’t let it happen again.

 

Paula Abdul: Well, I liked their sound too. The vocals were a little bit nasally, like that guy from Blink 182. They didn’t sound too different than some of the other bands we have seen here today, but they are catchy enough that the kids will probably like them.

 

Simon Cowell: I thought they were horrid. Honestly, I’m sick and tired of hearing thousands of bands that all sound exactly the same. I mean most of this album could be Dude Ranch B-sides. The mediocrity destroys any chance of humor or catchiness saving this album. Sure, I may be a pretentious elitist, but there will come a day when everyone will forget all of these bands that imitate one another, and only the innovative bands will be remembered.

 

Ryan Seacrest: Harsh words. Harsh-but honest. And if you are looking for more honest coverage of today’s entertainment industry you can check out my show weeknights on Fox at-

 

Producer: Seacrest, you’re fired!

 

[Ryan Seacrest hangs head in shame]

 

[Lights fade out]