The year was 1993. I stood in the entertainment section of our local Target department store with my siblings and dear mother close beside. In my left hand I held a copy of Hints, Allegations, and Things Left Unsaid by Collective Soul, in my right, Sons of Soul by Tony! Toni! Tone!, and in my back pocket sat three crumpled five dollar bills.

After much deliberation I decided to place the Tony! Toni! Tone! album back on the shelf (a decision I often regret to this day). Then, with the help of my older, wiser brother, I began trying to convince my dear mother that Collective Soul was, in fact, a Christian band. After all, their smash hit “Shine” had gotten a little airplay on some Christian radio stations in our area. Long story short, she bought it and I, in turn, bought my very first CD that day.

Fast-forward eleven years... Collective Soul is apparently still “kicking it” and, in some bizarre twist of fate, I now have the responsibility of reviewing the newest album from the band that literally started it all for me musically. Believe me, I wish I could just say that these guys “still got it” and leave it at that (though it could certainly be debated whether or not they ever really had “it” in the first place), but this album seriously makes me want to stab baby kittens and make popsicles out of their blood. It’s just that bad.

If you’re not already familiar with Collective Soul, they began as a humble grunge outfit in the early nineties, scored a few big radio hits off their debut and a handful of smaller ones in the decade since, “reinvented” themselves after 2000’s disappointing Blender and came out sounding like a cheesy glam rock/post grunge act that only the most outmoded Gen-Xer could love. This newest offering of theirs sounds like Creed and INXS teaming up to make the most radio-friendly pop rock imaginable. And if reading that last sentence just made you shudder, don’t worry... that’s normal.

The official Decapolis rating system clearly states that in order for an album to receive a “zero star” rating, the reviewer must die while listening to it. Well I’ve sat through this album a couple times now, and while I’ve thankfully retained my life, I have suffered a number of hefty brain aneurysms and I’ll probably be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. The way I see it, that’s gotta count for something. Thanks, Collective Soul.

Just to put things into perspective, if this album were intended to be a joke I’d be giving it four stars.